


Of Swords and Silence

by facelesswriting



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fem!Harry, Genderbend, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Trans Character, accidental magic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-13 19:28:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18037460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/facelesswriting/pseuds/facelesswriting
Summary: Genderbend rewrite from the end of 5th year on.Holly Potter, reeling from the loss of her Godmother, is forced to spend the summer at Hogwarts. Using the time to train, she plans to make the most of the new feelings of grief and hatred churning inside her. Little does she know the summer will gift her a new feeling too, a love born Of Swords and Silence.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Not everyone is genderbent, but Harry (Holly, meaning “hollow-eyed” originally), Sirius (Sagitta, the only S star name I found that was tolerable and not over used), Remus (Roma, the Remus and Rome legend), Dumbledore (Ailene, I had a friend with this name growing up and thought it was cool), Hermione (Hamlin, because it sounds like Hamlet and it means “home”), Ron (Regina, Reggie, because it’s girly but can be made into a unisex nickname), and Draco (Diphda, because it’s a beta star that’s actually brighter than the alpha in its solar system) are. If I decide to change anyone else, I’ll let you know when they enter the story, but honestly their genders aren’t that important to the story, this could all happen with them as their original gender (except harry? But hey magic, anything can happen).

Holly Potter sat on the edge of her bed. She’d just gotten back from Dumbledore’s office and honestly didn’t even have the mental space to process what had just happened. Sagitta had died. Died. Just like that. At the hands of her near identical cousin.

Holly and the others had been fine - had thought they were fine - until the Death Eaters had pulled swords from the confines of their cloaks. Unbeknownst to their ragtag group of teens, it was common practice for Purebloods to practice swordsmanship in the Old Ways. It was something Snape had known they kept up as sport, but it had fallen out of practice so long ago no one thought to train for it.

When the Order had swooped in, wands blazing, they were rescued, but there had been a cost. Sagitta. Holly’s only remaining family.

That was what Dumbledore wanted to talk to her about in her office. Dumbledore had been working tirelessly against the Ministry all of last year, little of which was to Holly’s knowledge, and one of her tasks had been to clear Sagitta Black of all charges. Dumbledore had rounded up memory after memory as evidence and had gotten a fair number of Death Eaters pulled from Azkaban to testify under Veritaserum for the trial. Shortly before the battle at the Ministry, Sagitta had been cleared and immediately filed to have the Dursleys deemed unfit as Holly’s guardians.

Sagitta had been the only one Holly had told about the abuse she’d suffered at the hands of her family. She sneered at the word, as if the Dursleys could really be considered her family. None of her friends, or even the Headmistress, knew about the beatings, the starvation, the neglect she’d suffered. Even Reggie could only extrapolate from what she’d learned when she and her brothers rescued Holly before second year. As it was, Holly had no idea how they hadn’t figured it out - Hamlin with his keen eyes or Madam Pomfrey with her endless scans should have been able to piece it together at the very least. Holly’s body was littered with the evidence.

The Headmistress had obviously wanted to as Holly about the news she’d presented, but in an uncharacteristic display of restraint, she didn’t. It was almost as if the ancient woman was afraid of what Holly would say if she asked. Afterall, it was Dumbledore who put Holly there originally, and Dumbledore who sent her back every summer. Holly, in any case, didn’t offer up any information.

Not telling Dumbledore didn’t change anything though. Without being her legal guardians, the familiar love protection she’d had through Lily’s sacrifice was void on the Dursleys’ home now. She snorted at the idea of that home ever having protected her, but she knew she couldn’t go back.

She stared down at a small scar on the bone of her wrist. It was so old it was barely visible, but Holly could see it as clear as if it’d still been bleeding. As much as she hated the Dursleys, she had nowhere to go now. She was homeless, unwanted.

Of course, that wasn’t really true. She pushed a long lock of hair behind her ear, refusing to cry. The people who wanted her just kept dying.

There was a small part of her that continually whispered that though Roma and the Weasleys constantly proclaimed to want her, they didn’t really. In reality, she knew neither could take her in as they had their own worries - the Weasleys were fiscal, while Roma’s was lunar. Dumbledore had opened the castle to her for the summer, but it felt empty even now with everyone only down in the Great Hall. She didn’t want to spend the summer alone. Even the hatred of the Dursleys was preferable to her own thoughts, and Dumbledore had said she’d be out of the country for most of the time. Holly didn’t know what the other professors did, but she assumed they went home to the families they left behind during the school year.

They had two weeks of classes left, and Holly was torn between wanting to enjoy it with company while she could and wanting to avoid everyone and everything.

She huffed, picking at her nails. They needed repainted, though Reggie would laugh at her for something so silly and frivolous. Holly liked affording herself the little care though. It was peaceful and quiet and meant that at least while they dried, she had no other worries to attend to. Maybe now that the school believed her and Umbridge was gone, everyone would hate her a little less, and she could ask Lavender or Parvati to paint them for her.

Unwilling to face their reactions, when she’d been released from the Infirmary, and subsequently from Dumbledore, Holly had come straight up to the dorms, hiding away. She couldn’t handle the public’s ever changing opinions about her. Yesterday she was a liar and a threat. Today she’d be lauded as a hero.

A hero who couldn’t save the last thread of her family.

Before the tears she was fighting could spill over, the dormitory door burst open. “You, dear, have to be starving,” Regina Weasley grinned at her, as if pretending everything was normal could make it that way. It didn’t work, but it did have a similar effect. Holly gave her best friend a watery smile, somehow feeling better just with the robust presence in the room.

Reggie plunked a huge platter of food down on Holly’s bed as Holly gaped at her. “How am I possibly going to eat all of this?”

Reggie rolled her eyes, picking up a buttered roll and munching for a few moments on it. “What’d Dumbledore want?”

“Erm…” Holly hesitated, then lied even as she knew Reggie would find out the truth the second she got home. “She told me I could stay here this summer to train.”

“Wicked!” Reggie had always had a little more bloodlust than she or Hamlin ever did, and her bright blue eyes twinkled with delight. “Think he’d let me stay?”

“Nah,” Holly shook her head, “You should go home to your family anyway.”

“Yeah but you have your family to go home to too,” Reggie’s eyes still glittered, but the mirth was gone. Sometimes Holly wondered if her friend saw more than she let on, but she waved the thought away when Reggie continued. “But I guess they can’t help you train the way my brothers can.”

Holly didn’t know how much the Weasley boys knew about real fighting, but she supposed they had at least given Reggie her tough edge that made her so unlike the other girls their age. Brash and proud, Reggie never slowed down, never got told no, and never backed away from a fight with the boys. It made her unlikable to Lavender, Parvati, and Romilda in a way Holly, with her quiet politeness wasn’t, but Reggie didn’t care. She was better friends with Seamus and Dean anyway, and she liked it that way. They shared more in common too, between Quidditch, their love of food, and their crass humor.

Sometimes though, when it was just Holly and Hamil, Reggie let down the walls so her best friends could see she had serious doubts about being able to keep up. After a lifetime of trailing after five older brothers she would never be as tough as, Reggie’s fear was understandable Holly supposed.

Holly lost the thread of their conversation with her musings, and was glad when the girls came back in to distract Reggie from Holly’s inattention.

“Holly!” Romilda was the first to notice them. “You missed dinner!”

Romilda sounded genuine in her concern, and rather than snapping, Holly had to remind herself that Romilda had never been openly hostile like the other girls had. Something about the way Romilda looked at her had just always made her a little uneasy.

“Yeah, I had stuff to get taken care of,” Holly answered vaguely. Romilda shrugged off the answer easily enough, used to not getting details after all this time. As she watched the girls go about their night, getting last minute homework done, gossiping the whole time, Holly felt her anger flare again.

They were mindless, these girls. They had no care in Voldemort’s return, as if it couldn’t possibly affect them. They had the life Holly had always wished for - all of the camaraderie and none of the responsibility. In a deep, dark part of herself that Holly never spoke of, she hated them for it.

She resolved in that moment to be true to the lie she told Reggie. She’d use this summer to train. Even if it meant dipping into long forgotten wizarding customs, she’d learn everything she could to rid her life of this darkness. Holly didn’t deserve a life shadowed like this, and neither did the people she loved. Tearing the bread in her hand, Holly made a silent vow to end this war.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think of the names?


	2. Temper Tantrum

Classes were unbearable. They had already taken their OWLs but the upperclassmen had NEWTs this week and everyone still had finals. Still, they were down two professors - with Umbridge fired and Snape mysteriously missing. Besides, all the fifth years knew that their finals grades didn’t matter. They had already taken the tests that mattered. No one was taking these two weeks seriously, and while Holly wasn’t either, it opened them all up to gossip.

“I knew he couldn’t have done it. Look at him. He was too hot to be a mass murderer,” One of the Ravenclaws at the table behind them giggled.

Hamlin noticed Holly’s scowl, and leaned in to whisper conspiratorially, “I thought Ravenclaws were supposed to be smart?”

Reggie laughed, and Holly cracked a smile. “Come on,” Hamlin ordered, “If we’re going to revise, we need somewhere quieter.” He threw a sharp glare at the Ravenclaws as he said it, all of them looking sheepish and lowering their eyes. He led them out of the library and back up to Gryffindor Commons.

It wouldn’t be any quieter here, they knew, but the topic of distraction would be better at least. In fact, they walked into a conversation they had all asking themselves too.

“He left to join You Know Who!” Seamus slammed his hand on the table. Always the first to vilify, Holly thought.

She listened to the proceedings without looking up from her potions essay, but without writing anything either. Dean and Hamlin were the only ones it seemed that believed in Snape’s innocence. Reggie had been quick to agree with Seamus, saying he never trusted the man, and the three other girls in their year were firm but for once quiet in their agreement. Neville looked conflicted.

“I hate Death Eaters as much as the rest of you…” Holly didn’t think that was quite true. Everything about Bellatrix and the Longbottoms had come out during the past weekend. Neville had more than enough reason to both hate and fear the Death Eaters more than any of them. “But Snape…”

Holly knew what it meant for him to stand up for the man. Even before rumors about his Death Eater ties had come the light, Neville had been terrified of the man.

“Dumbledore trusts him.” Hamlin said for him. The finality in his voice usually would have stopped any argument, but not this time.

“It has been six days,” Holly’s head snapped up at that, for the first time taking an overt interest in the conversation. Had it really been that long? Holly had barely noticed the passage of time since she’d awoken in the hospital wing. It felt as if she were floating through a cloud, nothing actually tactile enough to touch her.

Seamus went on, “It’s nearly a week since You Know Who showed himself. If Snape’s not with Him, where is he?”

That, the demand for an answer none of them knew, was what finally stopped the argument.

Neville’s shoulders hunched as if embarrassed he’d spoken up, but everyone else simply shrugged off the conversation, turning back to their work. Hamlin huffed when he turned back though.

“‘Lin?” Holly whispered to the boy, not wanting to start back up the argument. Hamlin looked up with warmth in his brown eyes. “Do you really think he’s on our side?”

Hamlin nodded readily. He always looked for the best in people, and while Holly tried to do the same, it seemed people kept disappointing her expectations again and again. After a while, it seemed to her that it was better to just not have them. “Because Dumbledore trusts him?”

Hamlin’s bushy eyebrows drew together, his dark hand covering Holly’s and making her golden tan look pale in comparison. Gone were the buck teeth, tamed was his afro, and filled out was his lanky, too thin childhood frame, but when he spoke, he sounded like the same boy she and Reggie had saved the the bathroom first year, and Holly loved him for it. “Yes, but no. Dumbledore’s opinion is important, but you can’t put all your faith in one person. And I want to believe that after all this time, Snape has some goodness in him. I want to believe in the goodness of people.”

Holly nodded. Hamlin make it sound so easy. He wanted to believe so he did. Desperately, Holly wanted to believe too, but she wasn’t quite sure how.

“Merlin!” Lavender shouted, jumping from her chair. Startled, Holly was standing, wand out before she even knew what was happening. A glance to either side showed Reggie, Hamlin, and surprisingly, Neville had all had the same reaction, brandishing their wands as they looked for a threat.

Lavender, oblivious, continued shouting to Parvati, sheer panic in her tone, “Do you think they’ll cancel the Hogsmeade weekend? I’ve been waiting ages for Thatcher to ask me out, and I am not cancelling!”

Reggie huffed and scowelled as she fell back into her chair. Hamlin was calmer as he reseated himself. Neville was slower to return to his seat, moving as if pained, but still Holly didn’t move, couldn’t move. Her breathing was coming rapidly, eyes looking unfocused but taking in everything. It took a moment for the rest of the group to realize she wasn’t going to move, and all eyes turned to her. Reggie reached out to grab her hand, redirecting to pull on her shirt instead when she saw the bright, silent sparks dancing off Holly’s fingertips.

“Holl?” Reggie sounded worried, which was unlike her, but Holly couldn’t control herself enough to reassure her. Slowly everyone became aware that the furniture under them was vibrating softly. It grew until the smaller tables, lamps, and even chairs with people in them were clattering on the floor, shaking almost violently.

“Holly!” Hamlin shouted, standing to grab the girl’s face. “Stop it!”

The room went still in one jolt, and all eyes watched Holly in fear. Holly reigned in her magic but she knew she was going to cry. She would not cry in front of this room of her peers, but her body didn’t feel as if it could move so she wasn’t sure it would listen to her if she told it to run. Unhinging her jaw was even a monumental effort. “Get out.”

It was an order. A command. All the Gryffindors prided themselves on their bravery, but for now they ran, bolting out of the room and leaving their things where they lay. Only Hamil, Reggie, and Neville remained, the first two resolutely, but Neville knowing better. “Guys,” he pleaded, “you have to leave too. This is emotional magic. Holly doesn’t want you to see her like this.”

Reggie sneered, “We see her at her worst-”

“It’s not safe!” Neville cried.

Whatever retort Reggie was about to say was cut off. “Get out.” Holly demanded again.

Brief confusion flickered across her friends’ faces before they noticed her skin was dancing in sparks. They, too, bolted for the portrait.

As soon as they were gone, Holly curled in on herself where she should. It felt like everything inside her ribcage had been scraped out and she’d been closed up empty. Her mouth opened in a silent scream while all the furniture in the common room lifted off the floor. She didn’t notice as her nails dug into her skin, wand fallen to the floor as one hand ripped at her face and the other ripped at her neck and collarbones.

When she gasped in a breath, the furniture came crashing down with a resounding boom, almost as if a bomb had been let off in the confined space, and the force of it shook even the stone walls of the castle. With the reverberating sound came a force of burning wind from the points of contact on the floor. It whipped about Holly’s head, not daring to touch her, but tearing and burning everything else in the room. Papers went up in flames, chairs were ripped to pieces and scorched, tapestries were torn down, crumbling the rock they were mounted in.

In the center Holly cried.

She’d been so scared. In that small moment, she had felt her heart stop, knowing that she didn’t have it in her to face another battle like she had on Saturday. They’d nearly lost then, and in the heat of the moment, Holly had been okay with dying for their cause. Only after when she realized the true cost was her family had she finally understood that this was a war. She was fifteen and at the center of a war.

She cried for her fear but she also cried for her losses. Sagitta, her parents, Cedric. Herself. She felt so lost in this mess, stripped of the family and the life she should have had. She couldn’t take another loss.

The heated wind swirled around her calmly now, comfortingly. It embraced her in a way she couldn’t accept from her friends, as if it knew her desperation was collapsing now.

Holly bent to collect her wand, absently realizing that when she gripped it, the wind died and the flames still burning lost their ethereal quality. She ran her fingers through her hair, attempting to detangle it even as she cast water onto the remaining fires. Not knowing the spell to put the room to rights, she waved her wand aimlessly, concentrating on what she wanted to happen. Miraculously, the chairs stitched themselves back up, tables reattached their own legs, and the scorch marks on everything faded. The tapestries hung loose on their spots on the wall, the damage to the stone too complete to be fixed without proper wandwork, but they seemed sturdy enough so long as no one pulled on them.

The revision happening couldn’t be saved. The papers and even books were in pieces and ashes. There was nothing she could do and she sighed, knowing everyone was likely to be angry. She had to stop having these fits.

With one last glance around the room, she left, headed to the Great Hall where her classmates had no doubt fled. When she opened the portrait door, she felt magic around her snap, as if she’d been inside a bubble and walked into the edge and popped it. The ward dissipated quickly, and Holly realized her magic must have added a protective layer around her to keep her classmates safe.

The corridors on her way to the Great Hall were empty and Holly found out why as soon as she opened one of the grand doors leading in. Dinner had already begun, and she could tell from the way the whole room turned that while the destruction may have been limited to the common room, the vibrations had carried throughout the castle. If that wasn’t enough, the warring awe and fear in her classmates’ eyes would have told her all she needed to know.

It was silent until she started moving. Then the whispers broke out around her. Talk about how strong she was mixed with talk of there having been an attack on her, and she absently touched the stinging side of her face to find the scratches her classmates were calling “claw marks.” She’d hurt herself again without even realizing. 

Hamlin and Reggie slid apart as she neared them, and she smiled gratefully, understanding that they meant to shield her from the world around. Sitting quietly, Hamlin got to work quickly on healing the cuts that littered her body and face, while Holly spelled off the extra length on her nails. They were barely longer than the quick now, and she banished the ends away, knowing it was better if she had them short - and unlikely to damage anything - again for a while now.


	3. Picking a Side

3: Picking a Side  
It was only moments until the attention had been removed from Holly. A new person entered the room, striding with confidence and a large grin plastered to his face. A gasp went around the whole Hall and many students, Holly among them, strained to get a better look.

“Who is that?” Someone whispered.

It was understandable, Holly thought. The man was nearly unrecognizable. His long black hair had been tied loosely at the nape of his neck, no longer slicked down in the usual Slytherin fashion. It was also completely unheard of to see the man smile beyond a small smirk of derision.

Whispers had taken up residence in the Great Hall once again, with no one being quite sure what they should do, but Dumbledore was smiling at the man who was striding towards her.

Unlike the teachers, the man wasn’t wearing wizarding robes. Instead his long legs were encased in black slacks and he was donned in a plain green muggle t-shirt. His strong arms were on display, revealing a physique that spoke of an active life. The man was strong, both physically and magically, if the waves of magic rolling off of him were anything to go by.

Usually wizards couldn’t feel one another's’ magic unless they were trying to, or unless the person was gripped by a strong emotion as Holly was earlier. In this case, the touch of magic felt light, but it swirled as if it knew more than it was letting on. There was strength in everything about the man, how he carried himself, the surety of his steps, the expression on his face. Everything about him stated he was exactly where he was supposed to be, that he knew it, and that if you denied him, he would make sure you learned - and quickly.

Holly grinned. She’d taken in the whole situation, right down to Malfoy’s shocked face and Dumbledore’s smile, in a matter of seconds. Hamlin was right. He always was. Without moving her eyes from the man, now only a few steps into his long strides across the Great Hall, she answered whoever asked, “It’s Snape.”

***

Severus felt the castle shaking as he walked inside. For a moment he thought it was his entry that caused it, but that was ridiculous. It felt like the source was too far away anyway. Besides, he had no reason to set off any wards now anyway.

His cover had been blown when he’d ignored the Summons to the Ministry last week. He could have made all the excuses in the world, said anything he wanted, but it would not change the fact that the Malfoy girl had heard Holly say something cryptic to Severus right before she’d run off to the Ministry, or that reinforcements came when no one should have known where they were, or that Severus didn’t show up. There was no excuse that the Voldemort would have accepted, so Severus broke his cover as a spy, and deserted.

Some Death Eaters had been searching for a way to rid their lives of Voldemort for a while now. Rumors swelled in the deepest recesses of dark alleys. When Voldemort had been defeated the first time, even his loyal followers had been looking to protect themselves from Azkaban.

There was another reason for wanting to be free though. It had become known that connecting yourself to Voldemort had allowed the monster to feed off your power. They hadn’t known it when they’d been initiated, which Severus suspected had been done on purpose. No one would sign up for such a thing. When Voldemort had been defeated nearly 16 years ago, they’d all felt a backlash of their power being returned to them. It was then that they realized he’d been syphoning off their power for years. When Voldemort had returned last year, they’d all felt the pull, and men and women had dropped to their knees across the country and their magic was pulled from them once more. They’d known immediately what it had meant, and the panic to sever the connection had been born once more.

It was one of the only reasons Severus could think of that Lucius had not yet had Diphda join their forces. While the boy was weak willed, Voldemort saw value in that in his followers. Lucius wouldn’t have take the drain on himself well though, Severus thought, and would be wanting to avoid a similar fate for the last of the Malfoy line. They prided themselves on their power, and allowing another to take it went against everything they stood for.

Severus, however, had found the elusive way out years ago. Only the imploring Dumbledore had managed to convince him to leave the connection in place as a cover for his spy status. It would let them know when Voldemort was rising, and it would allow Severus re-entry into the Inner Circle. With his cover blown, there was no reason to maintain the connection.

It had taken time, of course, and it had been painful. Old Magick usually was, and it had been painful enough to make the connection that he expected the pain when breaking it. That’s why he sought out help. While Dumbledore was old, she was by no means the oldest witch alive, and other countries kept the Old Ways alive in more harmless way that what Voldemort was suggesting Brittain return to. They passed their traditions down, rather than changing for convenience like the majority of the world, and it was these tribal people in the Americas that Severus had sought out.

Deep in the Amazon, they performed a ritual on him, banishing the darkness from his blood and his magic. Though they couldn’t fully repair what he had done to himself, they could remove any outside taint. His own use of Dark Magic and the shadowy impression it had left on his magical core and his mind were things he could live with if it meant ridding himself of Voldemort and reclaiming his own magic.

He wondered absently if Voldemort had felt it the way they had when he’d returned, or if it would only be the next time he went to utilize their full, united power that he would notice he was weaker than he’d been before Severus’ final desertion.

Severus smiled, a true genuine smile, unlike any his face had seen in years. He felt like laughing as he walked down the corridors as a free man at last. Even as he entered the Great Hall, he couldn’t return to his usual demeanor. He was too triumphant. Besides, he was going to cause a scene anyway, wasn’t that the point? To prove that the connection could be severed, he had to be as conspicuous as possible.

It was why he’d dressed in Muggle attire. After the abuse at his father’s hands, his hatred of Muggles had been real, though it had faded over time into an understanding that all Muggles were not as his father was. When his disowned mother had died, Severus had moved in with his Prince grandparents, learning what it was to be prejudice. In his pain, he revelled in it and in the new acceptance by his Slytherin classmates.

Now he understood better, and was holding onto both the worthwhile customs from his wizarding side as well as reopening himself to his Muggle heritage. Dressing this way was as good as yelling at the top of his lungs where his loyalties lay. It was also an option, however to his Slytherins and for them to pass to their parents. They could reclaim their power and weaken Voldemort. If he could desert, so could they. Like him, they need only ask

As he walked towards the Headmistresses, he grinned wider, drinking in the attention, the confusion, his second chance.

***

All the tables were in an uproar, but the Slytherins stared shocked. They knew what a t-shirt meant before the rest of the Great Hall had even guessed.

“He looks happy,” Ginny said, confused and not knowing if that was good for them or not.

“He looks so different,” Parvati continued, but someone corrected her with a whispered, “Strange.”

There was agreement at that. Everyone thought their dour Potions Master looked weird as he was.

“What is it?” Hamlin cried. “Something’s changed but what? I’m not seeing it!”

Their group turned to look at her, all except Holly. It was obvious to them what had changed - everything. His clothes, his hair, his expression. Even his posture had changed from a tall and imposing, but somehow wilted stature to a proud, straight spine. Without his robes billowing behind him, he looked less like a bat and more like a celebrity, knowing something everyone around them didn’t, somehow knowing they were better and reveling in it.

Hamlin huffed. “I’m not crazy. I do see him. It’s something more though. We’re missing something.”

“No we’re not,” Holly answered her, smile unmoving from her face and just as joyful as Snape’s. “He is. He’s missing his Dark Mark.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if I mix up the characters' names - I was halfway through this chapter when I realized I'd been typing "Harry" the whole time!


	4. Alone

4: Alone

The rest of the weekend had passed uneventfully. Holly had spent much of her time outside, a habit she had picked up in her early years here when she knew she was about to be returned to being kept prisoner in her aunt and uncle’s home. Laying by the lake, she had finished redoing her revision. If her classmates had been angered by their ruined studies, they didn’t say anything, and Professor McGonagall had given them all replacement books with no comment either.

Holly suspected they were staying quiet for her sake - half afraid of eliciting another breakdown and half from pity of watching her entire life ripped away from her. She wasn’t sure which was worse, but she thought it might honestly be the pity. Reggie and Hamlin had never been afraid of her, but the look in their eyes the last few days had been enough to make her want to run and hide. So that’s exactly what she did. Camping out by the Black Lake every day was something that made her feel better both because of the calm of the water and because of the assurance that no one would bother her.

She didn’t have a fear of the lake that the rest of the students did - especially Reggie and Hamlin after nearly drowning here. After facing - and beating - everything it had to offer last year during the Triwizard Tournament, she felt strong here. She and the creatures the water hid had a healthy respect for one another, and on the few occasions that Holly went into the water since then, she had felt a welcoming pulse to their magic.

Part of her wondered if the creatures were lonely like she was, but more than that, she suspected the other combatants hadn’t been as non-lethal in their attacks. She’d used cutting and air spells when she’d had to, knowing that those had the ability to kill the creatures she’d been fighting, but she had stuck to stunning spells wherever possible. When she could, she’d even used propelling charms to get away from the creatures that might do her harm without having to face them. Based on her power and the way she’d taken out the creatures she did fight, they all knew she’d done it for their own protection.

Fleur, she knew, had tried to be brutal but was not strong enough, and Krum had both the rage and the power to destroy the life underwater. Holly was sure he’d used both. Even Cedric, kind-hearted as he was, had no doubt been more destructive than she.

Holly’s thoughts stuttered to a stop as she thought about Cedric. He had been everything she had wanted to be, and she remembered with embarrassment how badly she had wanted him to notice her. When she’d seen him leaving the owlery that day before the Yule Ball, she had blurted out asking him before she could think twice about it.

Then when Cho Chang had turned to Holly as a friend to comfort her over the death of her boyfriend, it had been all Holly could do to not leave the girl there. Cho had been more right about Holly being the only person who understood what she was going through than she ever could have known. Still, Cedric had chosen Cho over Holly so they’d had a connection that even Holly, with her broken heart, couldn’t have understood.

Holly stood, kicking off her shoes and walking out into the water. She couldn’t get too deep or she’d get her skirt wet, but even so, she went until she saw the little fish flitting about her feet. They had razor sharp teeth, she knew, but they made no move to bite her.

She felt alone. Even when surrounded by her friends, by the Order, by these animals. She felt the life force drum through everything around her, but it didn’t seem as if it was on the same wavelength. She’d started becoming more aware of her surroundings over the past year or so, consciously pushing herself to reach out and touch others around her with her magic. It was part of the reason she thought she was stronger, and she knew Hamlin would be proud of her for putting his research to good use. It was part of why she felt so alone though. The more people whose magic and life force she touched, the more people she found operating on a different level than her. She could never find someone she synced with.

Sighing as a larger, darker creature swirled around her feet, she dipped her hand in the water to pet the poisonous monster before leaving the water. Holly rubbed her wet hand and feet on the ground to dry them then packed her things. In returning to the tower, she saw Filch was up on a ladder, huffing as he worked on the stones holding the tapestries’ mounts into place. He fixed it the Muggle way and she frowned in thought, going to sit by her friends.

Hamlin and Reggie both smiled at her. Looking at them, she could almost pretend everything was normal if she ignored the look in their eyes. Even they didn’t understand her. She pushed her magic out again, touching theirs this time. Their magic pulsed lightly, slowly, and while Hamlin frowned a little as if he could feel it, neither said anything as they returned to their own essays.

After a while, Filch had gone and Holly still hadn’t opened her bag. Hamlin looked up at her, “Holly, do you need help with your essay?”

Though it was uncharacteristic of her, she’d already finished hers in the peace by the water. She knew Hamlin had reason enough to ask her, but she didn’t respond to that, instead saying, “I wonder what charms the wall has on it that Filch couldn’t fix it with magic.”

Reggie looked up at that, obviously the same thought hadn’t crossed her mind, but Hamlin waved it away, “Of course Filch can’t fix it with magic. He’s a squib.”

Hamlin’s calm demeanor answered the unspoken question that Holly had. She’d been afraid that her accidental magic was so messed up that she had broken an integral part of the castle. It brought up more questions though.

“Wait! What?”

“Come on Reggie, don’t tell me you never noticed. Have you ever seen him do magic?” Hamlin’s question seemed to settle it for Reggie, but it didn’t for Holly.

“He’s a what?”

“Honestly you two are oblivious!” Hamlin threw his hands in the air, but Reggie noticed her confusion.

“A squib is a person who can’t do magic, Holly.”

“A Muggle?” She clarified.

“No,” Hamlin took over when Reggie turned to her. “A Muggle is a person who never had magic in their line. A squib is a person who was born to wizards and has a magical core, but no magic. Honestly, it’s surprising to see one. They’re very rare - especially when their parents usually just turn them into women.”

At that Reggie looked confused again, and Holly, while understanding the base principal had no idea were sex changes came into play. Hamlin rolled his eyes. “You should know this Reggie; you’re a pureblood, but I guess with your family’s standing it’s not surprising that you don’t. It’s not something that would be important to you.”

Hamlin almost sounded like Malfoy when he spoke like that and Holly was instantly uneasy of this topic, wishing she’d never asked. Reggie, too, had gone red in the face. “It’s obviously nothing against your family. In the long run, it’ll be better for you. Squibs typically only happen in really interbred pureblood families. It’s like ages ago when kings and queens interbred to keep the throne in their own families, but then they ended up with all kinds of birth defects. Well, being a squib is a birth defect.

“Most birth defects can be cured easily with magic, but there’s no way to infuse someone else’s magical core with magic to make them not be a squib, except one: pregnancy. When a magical woman gets pregnant with a magical child, her core is infused with a little of the baby’s magic, making hers stronger if she already has magic, but jumpstarting her core to work on it’s own if she doesn’t have access to her magic. When a Muggle woman gets pregnant, there’s no core for the baby’s magic to mingle with so they get to keep it, making Muggleborn babies often a little stronger than pureblood babies.”

“Okay,” Holly started slowly, “but then who would turn Filch into a woman?”

Hamlin rolled his eyes. “The parents of course. There’s a test that can be done on babies at birth to see if their core is producing magic on its own. If it’s not, oftentimes parents will give their male baby a potion to make its body female so it will be able to conceive and get magic later. It’s a fairly common practice, though not very publicized when families do it because it’s considered private and a little embarrassing. If they do it soon enough, the baby won’t remember or be used to its body and they’ll more than likely identify with the gender that matches their sex.”

Holly finally understood, but Reggie still didn’t, which was surprising seeing as she was born in the magical world. What she didn’t understand, though, surprised Holly and Hamlin. “What do you mean the gender that matches their sex? They’re the same thing.”

Hamlin looked sad for a moment, “They’re not, Reggie. Gender is how you feel, and sex is the body you wear. In the Muggle world, they can do surgery to change your body to fit the gender you feel like. People who do it are called ‘transgender’, which simply means that the body they were born into wasn’t quite right for them. Most people just accept the body they wear and identify with it - even babies who were changed at birth because they just take it at face value. Some need more from a body. They need it to fit their gender identification, rather than molding their gender identification around the body they wear.”

“So,” Reggie was speaking slowly, and Holly had the distinct impression she was weighing her words more than she usually did. For some reason, this conversation meant a lot to her. She coughed, trying to hide the rough edge her voice had taken on, “So what happens if a squib baby grows up and doesn’t identify with their new body?”

“I’d imagine they’d change back.”

“Just like that?” Hamlin nodded assent. “Does it work no matter how old you are?”

Again, Hamlin nodded, but he got an intense look in his eyes, “Yes, but I imagine if someone older, say our age for instance, were to take it, it would take a while for the people around them to accept this change, not because they don’t love them, but because their family has always seen them one way, and now they’re saying they’d like to be viewed differently. I promise you, they’d be just as loved.”

Holly didn’t understand the gravity in Hamlin’s voice, or the reason he’d reached out to grab Reggie’s hand or the tears in Reggie’s eyes. She knew enough though to know that when Reggie ‘hmm’ed softly and sat back to look at her essay, that the conversation needed to be over and that she shouldn’t question what had just taken place.

A thought came, unbidden to her mind, that maybe she wasn’t the only one who felt alone sometimes.


End file.
